The New Police Department Answering Machine
The following is a transcript of the new answering machine to be installed soon at your local department (because we care):
Hello, you’ve reached the Police Department voice mail. Please pay close attention as we update choices as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select from the following options:
To whine about us not doing anyhting to solve a problem you created: Press 1
To inquire as to whether someone has to die before we do something to fix a problem: Press 2
To report an officer for your perception of bad manners when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe: Press 3
If you’d like us to raise your children: Press 4
If you’d like us to take control of your life due to your chemical dependancy: Press 5
If you’d like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate: Press 6
To provide a list of officers that you personally know so that we won’t take enforcement action against you: Press 7
To sue us, or tell us that you pay our salary and will have our badges or to proclaim our career is over: Press 8
To whine about a ticket and/or to complain about the many other uses for police other than keeping your dumb ass in line: Press 9
Please note that your call may be monitored to assure proper customer support, and remember, we are here to save your ass, not kiss it. Have a nice day.
