Say Anything Blog

While he expounds on each problem, and the different views to it, we’ll just skip to Obama’s solutions:

Obama’s solution (to our disagreements about taxes): Shared sacrifice. If your last name begins with A through E, Obama will continue the Bush tax cuts. If your last name begins with F through L, Obama will allow the Bush tax cuts to expire. If your last name begins with M through Z, Obama will raise your taxes. Now the following fiscal year, those with last names beginning A through E face a tax increase. The F through L’s get the Bush tax cuts. And the L through Z’s will have their tax cuts expire. The next fiscal year, Obama will rearrange the cuts, depending, of course, on your last name, and will continue this rotation every year of his administration.
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Obama’s solution(on Iraq): Withdraw all troops by the year 2009. Then send them back in 2010, followed by their return to America in 2011, with another redeployment to Iraq in 2012. These on/off, every-other-year rotations would continue throughout his presidency. This satisfies those who want the troops home immediately. But it also appeases those who consider our national security dependent upon a military presence in Iraq. This policy also confuses our enemy, since they never know whether we are coming or going.
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Obama’s solution (on health care): Provide universal health insurance to those without it. Allow those happy with their current health-care policies to retain them. Who pays for the uninsured 47 million? Tax Canada.
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Obama’s solution (on global warming): Force Lutz to square off on pay-per-view against Al Gore in an Ultimate Fighting Championship no-holds-barred death match. The winner gets to decide America’s policy on climate change.
Hopefully this comforts the naysayers who doubt whether Barack Obama can, indeed, bring us together.

Read the whole thing. Elder demonstrates just why those who believe Obama can “bring us all together” are absolute idiots.