Say Anything Blog

AssHat of the week (or perhaps month)

I’m spreading the words of the BDS and Tourettes syndrome afflicted individual for several reasons.  First, they’re a good (as in demonstrating virtually all) set of examples of the logical fallacies.  Second, because saliva spraying demonstrations such as this don’t help the democrats.  Third, because it is a lame and tortured attempt at satire more reminiscent of Al ”Porn-O-Rama” Franken than Swift.  Fourth and finally, because I find the author to be an artificial replication and substitute for a human phallus.

So, here, in all it’s spittle spraying glory, it is (with fsck’ing by footnote):

You might be a terrorist if...

It’s a basic precept of mathematics that you can’t plot a curve from a single point. In fact, you need at least three points to plot a curve on a graph¹, more points are better.

By now, of course, you’ve already lost interest. Math, Jim? Math? You’re going to talk about math?

Just hear me out for a moment, will you?

Let’s start with the curve, i.e. what we know - Barrack Obama is a terrorist².  Worse, he just may be the Anti-Christ who will bring on the End of Days³.

We know this to be true, we can feel it, all right thinking people can.⁴ But, see, that’s the problem, there are too many wrong thinking people out there. People who just can’t identify a terrorist fist-jab between husband and America-hating wife when they see one.⁵ If we are to win the Global War on Terrorism we’re going to need more than feelings, we’re going to need a little math.

More, as our spittle spraying asshat continues after the break (not to mention the fsck’ing this so richly deserves).

Now, since right thinking people aren’t big on math, what we need is to have the math boiled down into a something that everybody can use. What we need is some kind of simple criteria we can refer to when necessary in order to identify the terrorists.⁶

Without such defining criteria you might just walk past a terrorist on the street without even knowing it, you might hire a group of terrorists to remodel your kitchen, or you might nominate a terrorist judge to the bench, or you might even accidentally vote for one to be your president.  Heaven forbid, you yourself might be a terrorist - and not even know it!⁷ Hey, people discover new things about themselves all the time, why just this morning I found three new hairs growing from my ears that I didn’t even know that I had - what else don’t I know about myself?⁸

So, as a public service, I’ve culled extensive Conservative materials⁹ and compiled the following handy checklist.  Print it out and carry it next to your heart, or better yet tape it inside the cover of your copy of Godless: The Church of Liberalism.¹⁰

The Terrorist Checklist:

Terrorists are easy to identify. If somebody meets any of the following criteria, it is a distinct possibility that they have terrorist sympathies. If they meet three or more of the following criteria, they are a terrorist for certain and should be reported to the nearest Transportation Safety Administration agent, or simply pick up your phone and say the name of the terrorist clearly and distinctly and the National Security Agency Homeland Monitoring Team (Tail Gunner Joe Division) will take care of the rest.¹¹

1) They are black:  Any non-Caucasian person is an immediate cause for suspicion.  Terrorists come from Africa and the Middle East, and people from those countries have dark skin - except for Jesus, his skin was as white as Dick Cheney’s butt checks and anybody who says otherwise hates America.  Plus black people wear really big baggy shorts, that’s where they hide the explosive belts.¹²

2) They are Democrats:  Democrats are Liberals. Liberals hate America. QED.¹³

3) They have not been born again: Only Fundamentalist Christians can be Patriots.  Jews, Muslims, Catholics, and Atheists hate America.  Jews killed Jesus. And since Jesus founded America, it is obvious that Jews hate America. Muslims have funny sounding names and they hate Jesus too.  Islam eats your brain and makes you go crazy, look what happened to Cassius Clay and Cat Stevens - they’re crazy and they hate America.  Catholics answer to a man in a pointy hat. The only man in a pointy hat you should listen to is the Grand Wizard, and he says that Catholics hate America.  Atheists hate everybody, but especially Jesus.¹⁴

4) They believe in radio carbon dating: Scientists hate America, unless they’re weapons scientists - and even those you’ve got to keep an eye on. Scientists wear white lab coats and keep aborted fetuses in their pockets so that they can suck out the little stem cells whenever they’re feeling hungry.  Anybody who kills babies in order to suck out the stem cells hates America, and if they hate America they kill babies, that’s why Jesus hates science, because it kills babies. That’s logic.¹⁵

5) English isn’t their first language:  Americans speak English. Period. The Indians spoke English, Jesus spoke English, John Wayne spoke English, and the Bible is written in English and anybody who doesn’t speak English or speaks with one of those funny sounding accents is a terrorist.¹⁶

6) They like Polar Bears:  Endangered species are endangered, because they’re losers.  Jesus hates losers.  Besides, the stupid polar bears shouldn’t be living on top of our oil anyway, just like the Arabs. Arabs have oil, Arabs are Muslims, Muslims hate America, therefor polar bears hate America. ¹⁷

7) They listen to Rock Music: Music cannot be Patriotic unless it’s Country or Western. ¹⁸

8) They read the Washington Post: There’s a reason Rush Limbaugh doesn’t work for the Post. ¹⁹

9) They just got married in California: God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. Anybody named Steve is gay.  Gay people hate America and are in league with Satan.²⁰

10) They watch the Food Network: The food network is owned by Yassir Arafat and Rachel Ray. Rachel Ray is putting the Islam into donuts in order to corrupt our police forces and create her own army in order to take over the world. Plus she’s really hyper and annoying. Annoying people hate America.²¹

11) They own a Mac: Americans use PC’s. PC’s were made by Bill Gates. Bill Gates is a capitalist. Capitalists are good, because when they get really big and successful we can sue them and get some money, which we can then use to fund ethanol farmers in Red States.  Farmers are Americans, people who own Macs hate farmers, therefore Mac users hate America.²²

12) They don’t have a yellow ribbon magnet on their car:  Actions and personal records mean nothing. Service and duty are just words. What matters are patriotic symbols. Real Americans wear a genuine American Flag pin made in Chinese sweatshops owned by Kathy Lee Gifford.  The America Flag Pin is to terrorists like pork chops are to a Muslim, they can’t touch them or they’ll burst into flames. If somebody isn’t wearing an American Flag pin then they probably hate pork chops too. Jesus loves pork chops. If you hate pork chops then you hate Jesus, and if you hate Jesus you hate America.²³

13) They engage in Fist Jabbing.²⁴


Now, any right thinking person can see that the criteria contained in this list has been compiled from officially verified Pentagon Intelligence Reports and Fox News Broadcasts and only people who hate America would argue with the logic behind it. So that makes it good enough for government use, as we used to say in the intelligence field.²⁵

Let’s run Mr. Obama through the list, shall we?

Given: Fist Jabber.

1) Black, check, or black enough anyway, married to a black woman. Double check.

2) Democrat, check.

3) Muslim, check (His middle name is Hussein for crying out loud and he doesn’t even deny it!).

Well, hell, we can just stop right there. That’s four points and we have a curve, indisputable proof that Barrack Obama is a terrorist. For the love of God, People, wake up.²⁶

See, that’s why math is so important.

And now the fsck’ing.

¹ Three non-co linear points actually, as a line is not a curve.

² We do?  Odd, I don’t know that.  Anyone have a citation of someone making that accusation?  Anyone?  Anyone?  Beuhler?  Oh, and in the mathematics I learned, one plotted the data points first, and then looked to see if a line or curve provided a good approximation of the data…

³ I seem to have missed this accusation as well… Anyone have a citation for this one?  But I think ole asshat just set the tone for my reply…

Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;

⁴ Still waiting for whatever it is which has caught our falcon’s attention…

⁵ Oh no, the dreaded fist bump?  Eh?  Whoa, having a life I seem to have missed more than a flashing image of this on a TV in the break room.  Let’s see what I can find about the source of that bit of theater…

Fist bump

The fist bump (also called the fist pound, knuckle bump, and other names) is a type of friendly gesture similar in meaning to a hand shake or a high five. It is performed by two people tapping their fists lightly. A bump also can be known as a symbol of giving of respect. Fist pounds can also be followed by various other hand and body gestures, but may be part of a dap greeting.

Guess I’m still not one of the cool kidz.  The whole thing sounds rather silly to me, and is looking like a lovingly constructed straw man.

⁶ Well, let’s see… The last time I looked a terrorist was defined as one who commits terrorist acts, which in turn were defined as lethal violence against non-combatant civilians.  Of course we don’t see our asshat defining his terms, so we’re not sure what he really means here.  Also amongst those undefined terms is “right thinking.” Based on the tone and feeble attempt at irony, we suspect he means anyone who fails to agree with him.

Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,

⁷ Given the well accepted definition of terrorist, I don’t think that quite works.  But let’s wait and see what he offers up as his criteria…

The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;

⁸ Psst.  You’re an asshat.  As in: one who goes about wearing his ass cheeks for a hat.  As in someone in dire need of a plexiglas deadlight in his navel so he doesn’t walk into folks on the street. You are full of sound and fury, and devoid of content.

The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.

⁹ Really?  If he’d cite his sources, we could make our own minds up.  One begins to suspect that he does not cite his sources because they are figments of his own fevered imagination.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.

¹⁰ I think it would be go better pasted into Unhinged as a late breaking example.

The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi

¹¹ Oh my, a miniature trifecta of falsehood!  1) Terrorist sympathies do not a terrorist make.  It takes an action furthering the cause of terrorists to reach that level.  Terrorist sympathizers should merely be shunned when revealed as such.  2) Terrorists should be reported to the TSA.  But of course!  Since the meter-maids are too busy and the FBI would no doubt look at the accuser as well as the accused.  3) The NSA’s Terrorist Surveillance Program is rather more targeted, not having the bandwidth, money, or interest in checking out every mouth breathing asshat. 

Troubles my sight: somewhere in sands of the desert
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,

¹² When last I checked terrorists came in two major varieties: domestic and foreign/international.  Granted the domestic variety have largely pulled in their horns after 9-11, which rather removes them from the picture.  As regards the foreign/international flavor, they rather run the gamut, including Sulaymanal-Faris, a young man of pallor from Silver Spring (who spent his teen years in and around the Bay Area), and Adam Yahiye Gadahn, another young man of pallor from Oregon who spent his teenage years in Southern California.  And leave us not forget Abdul Raheem of the U. K., and Abdullah al-Muhajir of Brooklyn who spent his teen years in Chicago.  So let’s see, that’s two young men of pallor, one UK of mixed ancestry, and one Hispanic. 

Gee, those data points don’t seem to fit the presented curve of racial prejudice very well.  They do fit some other pattern which I just can’t put my finger on…

A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it

¹³ Two of our four named terrorists above do indeed come from liberal families.  The record is less clear on the party affiliations of the remaining two families or the individual terrorists themselves.  And there are still Democrats out there (such as Zell Miller and Joe Lieberman) who I’m pretty certain love their country.  Again, the data points just don’t seem to fit the curve being imposed.  This is about the point where folks who actually care about facts would start looking askance at the curve, not the data points…

Reel shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again; but now I know

¹⁴ You’ve rather turned your curve into a trefoil at this point.  Let’s see.  Of the four named above, which of them were practicing Catholics?  None you say?  Well what about practicing Jews?  Still none you say?  How about practicing Baptists, or practicing Methodists?  Still none?  Did they actually have a common trait which linked them, those young men from California, the UK, and Chicago?  But that wouldn’t be a curve, would it?  It would be more of a line, if not a single common data point.  And speaking of pointy hats, how is Senator Robert “Sheets” Byrd, D-WV these days?

That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,

¹⁵ Wow.  Who knew?  But where, oh where, is the link to evidence which we can judge for ourselves?  What, just trust the guy who’s already tortured the data to fit his pre-determined curves?

¹⁶ Three of the four data points above were raised as English speakers, and possibly the fourth as well.

¹⁷ The polar bears population is at an all time high.  They seem to be doing quite well.  Your facts, data curves, and general thesis, not so much.

¹⁸ Oh my, we have us here a reverse redneck.  Now I don’t have much use for country or western, but if those styles bother our asshat that much, I may have to go buy some.  No, not to listen to, just need to have them on hand so I’ll be recognizable as not on asshat’s side.

¹⁹ No, they read the New York Times, a great source of intelligence on programs and methods that the actual terrorists need to counter.

²⁰ Here we have inverted facts.  The least tolerant religion towards homosexuality is that which all four of our test cases above adhere to.  What religion could that be?

²¹ Heh.  Have to laugh at that one.  I’ve found some good recipes and methods there, and yeah, she can be a bit hyper and annoying, but her food’s good.  Then again, one out of ten is a record only an asshat would brag on.

²² Lame.  Out of ideas and making shit up as he goes along.

²³ More lame.  We don’t have any stickers on our cars.  Nor do we wear editorial pieces we find to be particularly topical on our fourth point of contact.  Then again I believe our asshat is resident in one of the redder states, which makes him stick out there about like I stand out here.

²⁴ Oh, I see, had to get to 13.  Thank heaven he didn’t shoot for 666.

²⁵ That is the kind of analysis we expect to see out of CIA these days.  I take it our asshat was seconded there.  ‘Twould explain a lot.

²⁶ Nope.  Not a terrorist, not a practicing mohammedean, and most certainly neither the second coming of the Messiah, nor the Antichrist; just another product of the Chicago Political Machine, where the dead vote early, often, and democratic.

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?

Oh, and most important, Bethlehem is not in Hawaii.

Intespersed was William Butler Yeats’ The Second Coming.

Our asshat can be found at stonekettle station, hip waders and a spittle deflector are highly recommended should you choose to go there.