It’s springtime.  The tomato plants are in (in fact, mine have already flowered!) and pretty soon our attention will be focused on the ritual of graduation, and with it the pompous effluence that is most commencement speeches.

Not to worry!  In true free market capitalist fashion, P. J. O’Rourke has this one admirably well under control:

1. Go out and make a bunch of money!

Here we are living in the world’s most prosperous country, surrounded by all the comforts, conveniences and security that money can provide…

There’s nothing the matter with honest moneymaking… In a free society, with the rule of law and property rights, no one loses when someone else gets rich.

2. Don’t be an idealist!

…Who does more for the redwoods and society anyway—the guy chained to a tree or the guy who founds the “Green Travel Redwood Tree-Hug Tour Company” and makes a million by turning redwoods into a tourist destination, a valuable resource that people will pay just to go look at?

So make your contribution by getting rich. Don’t be an idealist.

3. Get politically uninvolved!

All politics stink. Even democracy stinks…the problem isn’t politicians—it’s politics. Politics won’t allow for the truth… Imagine what even a little truth would sound like on today’s campaign trail:

“No, I can’t fix public education. The problem isn’t the teachers unions or a lack of funding for salaries, vouchers or more computer equipment.  The problem is your kids!”

4. Forget about fairness!

We all get confused about the contradictory messages that life and politics send.

Life sends the message, “I’d better not be poor. I’d better get rich. I’d better make more money than other people.” Meanwhile, politics sends us the message, “Some people make more money than others. Some are rich while others are poor. We’d better close that ‘income disparity gap.’ It’s not fair!”

Well, I am here to advocate for unfairness. I’ve got a 10-year-old at home. She’s always saying, “That’s not fair.” When she says this, I say, “Honey, you’re cute. That’s not fair. Your family is pretty well off. That’s not fair. You were born in America. That’s not fair. Darling, you had better pray to God that things don’t start getting fair for you.” What we need is more income, even if it means a bigger income disparity gap.

There is more, of course, so by all means, go read the whole thing.