Simple pleasures are one of the greatest parts of life. And for me, there is no greater pleasure than a hot cup of good coffee. Coffee is a very simple thing. You take some roasted beans, grind them up, and seep them through some hot water. Coffee should be dark and strong. Got that? Dark and strong. And it should smell good too.

So why is it that each morning when I stop off at my local Starbucks, I am forced to endure their latest attempt at describing my favorite simple pleasure? Now as it is, I have been forced to become fluent in that neo-yuppie language that the Corporate Coffee Company has made anyone ordering at their establishment learn: Starbuckonics.

Yes, I can indeed order a Vente half-caf caramel vanilla soy macchiato with room.

But these coffee fascists have gone too far. They have now started Starbuckifying my coffee (oh excuse me, DRIP as they call it).

All I want is a cup of coffee. Now I must decide on what KIND of coffee I want based upon their inane daily descriptions. Not with me yet? Ok today then sir, you might like some of our hearty Sulawesi. It is a bold blend with deep earthy tones. No? Then perhaps you may like Organic Costa Rican? It has a fruity nutty taste with just a hint of woody undertones. WHAT? Fruit? Nuts? Earthy? What in the hell are you talking about? Earthy coffee? Your coffee tastes like dirt? Do you add a nice peat moss to the blend or what? Fruity? Oh yes, please squeeze some peach and guava juice into my cup THAT will be yummy. Oh and can you stir some walnuts into it too? I like mine real nutty.

So let’s get something straight Starbucks. IT’S COFFEE. It isn’t earthy, bold, nutty, citrusy, fruity, and woody or wine flavored. It does not have undertones, overtones, or sousaphones. It’s just coffee. Make it smell good. Make it dark, and make it strong. And most of all keep your cute colored chalk descriptions to yourself.