Chris Hanson swung and missed. No, not at a ball he was trying to kick, but at the wood he was trying to chop. The Jacksonville Jaguars punter needed surgery to close up a gash on his right, non-kicking, leg Thursday after he miscalibrated while using an ax to hack at the massive tree stump that coach Jack Del Rio placed in the locker room a few weeks ago. Del Rio used the stump as a symbol for the mantra he has adopted for the Jaguars (1-4) this season: "Keep chopping wood." Hanson took the message literally, and wound up being rushed to the hospital, where he received several stitches, team spokesman Dan Edwards said. Hanson's leg will be in a boot for four to six weeks, and the team hasn't decided whether to place him on injured reserve, Edwards said. Beginning with Sunday's game against Miami, Jacksonville's only Pro Bowl player from last season will be replaced by Mark Royals, who was cut earlier this year by the Dolphins.
High School Athletic Director A Real Asswipe
An El Dorado High School parent's choice of hair gel could get him barred from football games. Benny Murry wore purple and white gel in his hair to last weekend's Wildcat game, only to be told that school officials prefer the colors on team jerseys - not fans' heads. Murry was told his display of school spirit was "excessive and extreme" and any encore appearances would result in him being barred from games. "It made me mad and upset. I think it's kind of ridiculous," Murry said. "They said it draws attention off the field and onto me. I had five or six people at the ball game mention my hair and there were probably 3,000 people there. "I was just trying to get into the team spirit and support my daughter's school," he said. Derrill Smith, athletic director for El Dorado Schools, issued the warning. He said that, according to district policy, "students or spectators who wear extreme or unusual clothing to the game or who paint their faces or bodies will not be allowed in the game," and lists examples as "togas, bandanas, cowboy hats, gang colors, wigs, costumes."
Geriatric Bank Robber Pleads Guilty
A 91-year-old man who walks with a cane and is hard of hearing pleaded guilty Thursday to stealing nearly $2,000 from a bank, his third such robbery in less than five years. Leaning on his cane and wearing a headset to listen to the judge, J.L. Hunter "Red" Rountree initially responded "not guilty" when asked for his plea. "I mean, 'Guilty,'" Rountree later said. "I'm sorry." In August, Rountree handed a First American Bank teller in Abilene an envelope with "Robbery" written on it in red marker, prosecutors said. He gave her a second envelope, telling her to put money in it. Twice the teller asked if he was kidding. After the first time, Rountree said, "Hurry up or you will get hurt." A bank employee and some customers got Rountree's license plate number as he left the parking lot. Authorities stopped him about 20 miles from Abilene.
Two Criminal Masterminds Arrested in Florida
The dopey Floridians were arrested early this morning after Lamar flashed a BB gun and the duo swiped beer from a Stuart gas station. Their first mistake was letting the Speedway worker grab the gun from them. Then they departed with the brew, but left Lamar's ID behind. Not content with those miscues, Lamar, 22, later called the store and asked if he could swing by and retrieve his belongings. Sure, said clerk Marie Blanco. But when Lamar and Nash, 21, returned, they were met by Martin County Sheriff's deputies, who transported Dumb and Dumber to the local lockup.
Courtney Love In Trouble Again
Courtney Love faces up to a year in jail if convicted of being under the influence of "opiates and cocaine." The Los Angeles City Attorney yesterday filed the below misdemeanor criminal complaint against Love, who was arrested last week after admitting to cops that she broke some windows at a Beverly Hills home. While not hit with vandalism charges, the 39-year-old singer was popped on a drug count after preliminary police tests indicated that she was under the influence. Formally charged as Courtney M. Cobain, Love was released on $2500 bail.
Limp Bizkit Accused of Sucking
Fred Durst and his Limp Bizkit">Limp Bizkit bandmates were sued today in Chicago by 172 concertgoers who claim they were ripped off when the rap/rock group ended a July performance after only 17 scintillating minutes. According to the below Cook County Circuit Court lawsuit, Limp Bizkit cut short its set at Cicero's Hawthorne Racetrack after instigating fans by displaying "obscene and profane messages to the crowd via four giant monitors." The complaint also alleges that Durst yelled "disgusting homophobic and anti-gay statements" at the crowd, and continued his vulgar diatribe even after the group fled the stage (Fred took his mic with him). The breach-of-contract suit, filed by attorney Michael Young, seeks a $25 refund for each attendee at the July 26 show, which also featured Linkin Park and headliner Metallica. According to the complaint, 40,000 people attended the "Summer Sanitarium Tour" stop, tickets to which cost $75.
New York Priest Not A Very Nice Guy
The Rev. John Johnston, 64, was a pistol-packing padre who had a stash of Nazi memorabilia and gay porn in his Jackson Heights apartment, police said. But perhaps the most evil thing the longtime religion teacher is accused of is breaking the Seventh Commandment by stealing as much as $100,000 from a Long Island church's collection... The Catholic priest's secret life was exposed when cops went to his apartment Tuesday night to bust him for allegedly making 'offensive and nasty' calls to the principal of Bishop Laughlin High School in Brooklyn... Johnston answered the door in a kimono - but what grabbed cops' interest was a huge wad of cash and a revolver sitting on a dresser... 'He had a whole shrine of Nazi memorabilia in his closet, Nazi flags, helmets, daggers, swastikas, German military medals,' the police source said. Before they left, cops also found two other handguns, .38-caliber and .32-caliber, as well as gay pornographic videos and magazines.
Raelians A Bunch of Loonies
The prophet known to his followers as Rael wants his disciples to share his paranoia that George Bush and Jacques Chirac themselves want his skin. 'There's a strong chance I'll be the next victim of an assassination attempt,' proclaims Vorilhon in the weekly Contact magazine published for Raelian members. 'And the fact that we're talking about it here today is one of the means of trying to avoid it,' he continues. Vorilhon claims the secret service of France and the CIA have been trying to eliminate him because he's dangerous. The name of their secret extermination operation: the Abraham Project. The former journalist goes as far as citing an alleged directive of President Bush: 'I want the skin of this Rael who preaches atheism at all costs.
Noodles The Clown Busted for Kiddie Porn
A former Sunday school teacher who moonlighted as Noodles the Clown for children's parties pleaded guilty Wednesday in federal court to 14 counts of possessing child pornography. Neighbors and parishioners were shocked in March when [David Deyo] was arrested at his home at 1000 Mohawk St. on the child pornography charges. On Wednesday, he pleaded guilty to eight counts of manufacturing child pornography and one count of possessing it.
Security Software A Piece of Crap
A Princeton graduate student said on Monday that he has figured out a way to defeat new software intended to keep music CDs from being copied on a computer - simply by pressing the Shift-key. John Halderman said the MediaMax CD3 software developed by SunnComm Technologies Inc. could be defeated on computers running the Windows operating system by holding down the Shift key, disabling a Windows feature that automatically launches the encryption software on the disc. The CD in question, Anthony Hamilton's Comin' From Where I'm From, was released by BMG's Arista label in late September. Music retailers praised the release, which BMG touted as a breakthrough in the industry's efforts to prevent music piracy.
Sigh...
In a statement, SunnComm Technologies said it would sue Alex Halderman over the paper, which said SunnComm's MediaMax CD-3 software could be blocked by holding down the Shift key on a computer keyboard as a CD using the software was inserted into a disc drive.
Airport Security Still A Crack Squad of Savy, Motivated Personell
Airport screeners hired by the government to check baggage for bombs were given most of the answers to the tests they took to qualify for the job, according to an internal Homeland Security Department investigation. In addition, job applicants were not required to show they could identify dangerous objects inside luggage. During classroom training, screeners were given the questions in open-book quizzes and then the answers. The course ended with a closed-book examination of 25 questions. Nineteen of the questions on the final test were identical or virtually identical and three were similar to those on the quizzes.
The Whizzinator, This Year's Stocking Stuffer
Lubbock County sheriff's deputies say they've caught five men on probation trying to use the Whizzinator. It's an artificial male organ that squirts synthetic, drug-free pee. One official caught on when he heard something strange in a restroom during a urine test. He says a body part doesn't go 'clink' when it's up against a plastic cup.