The Rob’s Birthday Joke Contest
Well, today is my birthday. I’m 26. One year older than a quarter century. Thirty is looming dangerously close and I’m not liking it so much.
Anyway…
Today isn’t just my birthday, it is also my best friend’s wedding. I’m a groomsman, so I won’t have much time for posting.
In order to keep things lively in my absence I thought we’d have a contest. Put the best joke you know in the comments. The one that gets the loudest laugh from me wins a ten dollar gift certificate from Amazon.
I won’t put up any rules for decency, bt let’s not get too nasty please.
Winner will be announced Sunday at 5:00pm.
Alright, this is from a friend of mine and has always been one of my favorites.
Once upon a time, there was a kingdom filled with brave knights, beautiful maidens, and ruled by a great and powerful king. After many years of all the knights attempting to best one another, he finally announced the single contest that will resolve it all.
The big day came and the first knight came foward…
“I am the youngest knight of the land and have more youth and vitality than anyone else. To prove my worth, I will lift 2 bricks with my penis!”
He succeeded, the crowd cheered, the women fainted, and the band played appropriately.
A second knight came forward…
“I am the bravest knight of the land and have slain more dragons than any three knights combined. To prove my worth, I will lift 4 bricks with my penis!”
He succeeded, the crowd cheered, the women fainted, and the band played appropriated.
A third knight came foward…
“I am the oldest knight of the land and have been more experience and have trained most of our other knights. To prove my worth, I will lift 6 bricks with my penis!”
He succeeded, the crowd cheered, the women fainted, and the band played appropriated.
A silence covered the field as no other knight stepped foward. And then the King spoke….
“I am your King. I am the wisest, bravest, strongest, and the leader of my people. To prove my worth, I will lift 10 bricks with my penis!”
He succeeded, the crowd cheered, the women fainted, and the band played God Save the Queen.
By the way Rob, when I win you can keep 1/2 for your birthday present. That’s me, Mr. Big Spender!
She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds.
“Who was it?” he asked.
“My husband,” she replied.
“I better get going,” he said.
“Where was he?”
“Relax. He’ll be late, he’s playing poker with you.”
You’re too literal.
As far as we know, Carrick has tried to buy off the judge. I’m still feeling pretty confident.
Was I complaining?
OK Here’s my entry.
A big time investment banker get’s fed up with the rat race. He decides to get away from it all; New York, The Wife. So he buys a ranch in the middle of Montana sight unseen.
When he moves there he finds the place exactly like it was advertised. The house and buildings were in great shape. The land was good and hte wildlife was terrific.
But after about six weeks he found himself getting a bit lonely. He only saw people when he made his 70 mile run to “town” for supplies.
One day he was sitting on the porch and he say the dust cloud of a pickup from miles away. He watched the dust cloud as it drove into his yard.
When the pickup arrived, out stepped a real Montana cowboy. Hat, boots, jeans, cowboy shirt. The cowboy greeted him with a big “Howdy Neigbor”.
The ex-banker asked him how close they lived together and the Montana cowboy said “shucks, we’re real close. You just drive up that road 7 miles, hang a right for about 15 miles and that’s my place.
They shot the breeze for a while, as new neighbors do. When it was time to go, the Montana Cowboy said, “Say, I’m throwing a party Saturday night, do youall want to come.”
The ex-banker, a little worried that he might not fit in asked what was going to go on at the party.
The Cowboy responded that there would be “A lot of drinking, a lotta of eating, some loud musioc, some dancing and later a lot of sex.”
The ex-banker decided that it had been a long time, and said “sure, should I wear anything special.”
The Cowboy said, “Nah, you don’t have to wear nothing special, it’s just going to be the two of us.”
He’s probably writing his groomsman speech/toast at the last minute here. Doesn’t anyone know any that he can use for that?
Plus how partisan is it? I mean bill cliton was in hell!!!!!!!!
Three guys walk into a bar… Don’t you think the third guy would’ve ducked?
Any blackmail material should be emailed.
Best “Best Man” joke ever.
Grooms goes to a party. The female host of the party invites groom into her bedroom, closes and locks the door.
Groom, I want you to take off my shoes. Groom does so.
Groom, I want you to take off my shirt. Groom slowly unbuttons it, and take it off.
Groom, I want you to take off my pants. Groom man does slowly and sensually.
Groom I want you to take off my Bra. Groom get’s a bit nervous, but does so.
Groom, I want you to take off my panties. Groom at this point get’s very nervous, but eventually does.
Groom, I want you to do two more things, one stay out of my closet and don’t you ever let me catch you wearing my clothes again.
It’s his blog. He can have an many birthdays as he wants.
What tip jar? There’s no mention of such a thing…
Seriously a thirty minute light workout gets rid of most of it.
Worst hangover I ever had was after a homecoming party. When we ran out of beer we switched to something else and something else. Then some idiot (other than me) bought a box of cigars.
Worst hangover of my life. In the morning I went to get coffee, but my hand on the stove and grabbed the coffee pot. Dead-short; I couldn’t let go of the stove or coffee pot. Finally I dropped the pot.
I needed the coffee so I unplugged the pot with the towel.
Later that day after feeling terrible all day I went to the Y, took a steam bath. After that I felt better so I rode the lifecycle for a short time. More steam, a long shower and I felt much better.
Or many hits on the tip jar. I would recommend you drop the birthday of the month thing and raise money for your Kidney transplant or sex change operation.
are you fishing for a good one to tell later today?
I think the only time I smoked ‘em was when I was too drunk to learn “the proper way”.
I will ’seed’ this thing with a lame one from grade school that my kids still tell as teenagers:
Q: What time do you go to the dentist?
A: Tooth hurty. (2:30)
1) So, this dyslexic guy walks into a bra…
2) Three islamo-fascists walk into a bar. Then it blows up.
An old saw, the rude parrot joke.
I was a bit older than you the last time I learned my lesson. You’re probably due for a couple more cigar incidents.
and one of my favorites of all time, from the boondock saints, edited slightly to remove the racial slurs and because i can’t remember the exact wording.
Three guys are walking along a beach–a white guy, a black guy, and a Mexican–when they stumble across a lamp. They pick it up and rub it, and out pops a genie, who grants them each one wish. The black man goes first, saying, “I wish that me and all my black brothers and sisters could be safe and happy back in Africa.” POOF, the black guy disappears. Next comes the Mexican. He says, “I wish that me and all my Mexican brothers and sisters would be safe and happy back in Mexico.” POOF, the Mexican disappears. Finally, it’s the white guys turn. He thinks for a minute, then asks the genie, “You mean to tell me that all the blacks and Mexicans are out of America?” “That’s right,” replies the genie. “Well,” the white guy responds, “I’ll have a Coke, then.”
Okay, I give, here’s my contribution:
One morning a husband returns to his lake cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the
lake, his wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book, enjoying the peace and quiet.
Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning Ma’am. What are you doing?” “Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t it obvious?”)
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her. “I’m sorry officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.” “Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start
at any moment. I’ll have to take you in! And write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
I knew there was something wrong with your sense of humor
Sounds like the voice of experience.
I like Carrick’s the best so far.
Robert, You’re old!
When a sheep get’s stuck in the barbed wire fence in Montana, what time is it?
a. Mountin’ Time.
I forgot to say Happy Birthday Son. Hugs and kisses to you.
By the way everybody… Rob is our youngest chld and our only son. He’s our Bunny Boy.
Rob, you forgot say that your Princess daughter is a flower girl in the wedding. She’s wearing a dress that her Nanny made for her. You’ll have to post pictures.
Love you Mick!!!
Q:How many people with ADD does it take to change a light bulb?
A:Lets go ride bikes!!!
Happy Birthday Rob!
Isn’t this about the third time you’ve pulled the “it’s my birthday, leave my present in the tip jar” trick?
***********CRUDE WARNING******************
In a meadow there was a big birch tree standing right next to a beach tree. One day the birch noticed that there was another tree growing inbetween them and said, “Hey, Mr. Beach tree, is that new tree a son of a beach tree or a son of a birch tree. The beach tree responded, “I don’t know if it’s a son of a birch tree or a son of a beach tree, Mr. Birch tree.” The birch tree says, “Let’s ask the wood pecker.”
“Mr. Woodpecker,” says the beach tree, “is that new tree a son of a beach tree or a son of a birch tree?”
“I don’t know, let me find out,” the woodpecher said. So the woodpecher goes down to the new tree and starts pecking away. After a minute he goes back up to the trees and the birch tree says, “Well, mr. woodpecker, is it a son of a birch tree or a son of a beach tree?”
The woodpecker responded, “I don’t know if it’s a son of a beach tree or a son of a birch tree, but I do know that it’s the best piece of ash I’ve ever put my pecker in!”
Sorry, I only know nature and folk music jokes but this thing MUST be brought back to fun.
Q: How many Blue Grass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five, one to change it and four to complain that it is electric.
Q: If you drop a banjo and an accordian off a 5th story window, which will hit first?
A: Who cares!
George Bush has a heart attack and dies.
Obviously, he goes to Hell, where the Devil is waiting for him.
“I’m not sure what to do,” says the Devil. “you’re on my list,
but I have
no room for you. But since you definitely have to stay here, I am going to
have to let someone else go.
“I’ve got three folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one
of them go, but you’ll have to take their place. I’ll even let you decide
who leaves.” George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The Devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool
of water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in Hell.
“No!” George shouted. “I don’t think so. I am not a good swimmer,
And I
don’t think I could do that all day long”.
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, over and
over, time after time.
“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder, I would be in constant agony
if all I could do was breaks rocks all day”, commented George.
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton Lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose.
Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
“Yeah, I can handle this.”
The Devil smiled and said “Ok, Monica, you’re free to go!”
Sorry I should have added in the obligatory “Not that there’s anything wrong with that.”
Or maybe, since Rob lives in Western North Dakota he might appreciate a Montana joke.
I’ve got one more that I’ll submit later.
A blonde is pulled over by a blonde Highway Patrol officers.
The blond HP officer walked up and asked the blond driver if she knew why she had stopped her.
The blonde driver said “I don’t know.”
The blonde HP officer then asked the driver for her drivers license.
The driver responded, “A drivers license, what’s that.”
The blonde HP officer said, “It’s the size of a credit card, but it has her picture.”
The driver dug through her purse and found a small mirror. She looked at it and said “this must be it, because it has my picture.”
The Blonde HP officer took the ‘ID’, inspected it and said, “You dummy this is my drivers license.”
George Bush is a joke; you don’t need to make one about him. Unfortunately, he’s not a funny joke. He’s a sick joke.
I vote (seriously this time) that Bullwinkle has the funniest joke so far and graeme has the sickest joke and should be banned….
What? You guys are crazy! Cigars are ALWAYS a good idea… Unless you don’t know how to smoke them
Let’s see, it’s after 11 am in Minot. Could “Bunny Boy” be hung over?
A 90 year old lady got on an elevator, headed for the fifth floor. On the second a young lady got on. Her perfume was overwhelming. “It cost me $50.00 an ounce”, she said. On the third another young lady got on wearing heavy perfume. “It cost me $75.00 an ounce,” she said. On the forth floor yet another girl got on. She said her perfume cost $200.00 per ounce. As the old lady got off on the fifth floor she let a big fart and said, “Broccoli, 49 cents per pound.
Wow, I guess!!! I never could figure out why the food costs more where it’s raised than shipped across the country, like our avocados, citrus, etc. seems to.
But this year we’ve had some incredible specials on fresh strawberries which are unbelievably delicious!
Your horse is beautiful, Carol!
Likwid, yeah I smoke them… only on occasion. I’m currently making the move from the Swishers (and all those cheap ones) into quality cigars. They are so much better and being more expensive doesn’t really matter since I smoke them once every few months….
They’re a treat!
Well, there is… But I just wondered why the two you put forward were both about perverse montana cowboys… If I had to pick two favorite jokes, they would not be about gay cowboys…thats all
You pick Graeme’s as the sickest. I saw at least two that were every bit as sick.
If you chose his because it disrespected the President, he’s done that to himself long ago.
He’s disrespected all of us and mostly he’s disrespected the lives of the Iraqi people.
It was June 3rd, 2060 and Rob was surrounded by his family. His children and grandchildren were gathered around his bed in the rest home and he was telling them a story about a bear hunting trip from his youth..
“I was following the bear’s tracks in the snow when suddenly the bear jumped up from behind a bush and went ‘ROOOOOOOOAAAAARR’, I’m afraid I crapped my pants”
Young Rob III said, “That’s understandable, Grandpa, just about anyone would have been frightened enough to do that.”
“Not then, I wasn’t scared at all then, I did it just now when I said ‘ROOOOOOOOAAAAARR’.
it was funny though huh?
The cure I found best is to force yourself to sweat it out. I imagine a brisk walk through the neighborhood will do it.
Take a shower, drink lots of water and take it easy the rest of the day.
Course now that I’m old I only have to use that every couple years.
You smoke cigars as well Sphagnum? You’re another one I didn’t take as a cigar-chomper.
Cigars are generally too dry mouth and bad breath for my tastes. The only kind I’ll touch are the regular and vanilla “Blackie Milds”.
Carol, some cute stories of Rob’s childhood would fun!
A man gets home and realizes that he’s forgotten his anniversary. He tries apologizing, but his wife is pissed. She tells him that the only way he can make up for it is if she sees something in the driveway the next morning that will go from 0 to 200 in under 5 seconds. The husband thinks about it for a moment, then says “OK honey.” Next morning the wife wakes up excited, and quickly looks out the window at the driveway… where she sees the bathroom scale.
DocDave:
Come on, DocDave. You know it’s unhealthy not to drink!
Twisted leftie humor.
Not that I ever implied that the sheep was a boy. Why did you immediately conjure up that thought?
Enquiring minds want to know.
An old man and old woman spend every night together. They aren’t married, but for years they have spent every night sitting on the couch naked watching TV, and she holds his … unit.
One night he doesn’t show up. Then a second night goes by – she calls him up.
“Where have you been?”
“Oh, at what’sher name’s down the road.”
“Oh, and what are you all doing there?”
“Pretty much the same thing you and I do. We sit on the couch naked watching TV and she holds my … unit.”
“Really? What does she have that I don’t?”
“Parkinson’s.”
Whister, what’s with you and gay montana cowboy jokes… something we should know about?
I’ve never denied it.
Cool, yeah, let’s hijack this from jokes to birthday wishes! Happy Birthday and Many More, tho as someone MUCH closer to 50, it’s pretty hard to feel sorry for someone who thinks 26 is even CLOSE to 30 . . . get some perspective, kiddo!!
That’s a good one Carol, but where did she find broccoli that cheap???? Ours is about $1.50/lb. here.
strong>That’s a good one Carol, but where did she find broccoli that cheap???? Ours is about $1.50/lb. here.
Cost of living in North Dakota is lower!
Hope you have a fun Birthday. I just had mine on June 1. Ended up getting real sick the night before and had my appendix taken out on my b-day. Hopefully I’ll be up and about by the end of the weekend.
Three girls where in a flying in a plane a German a Italian and a Nigro, all of the sudden the piliot comes racing out of the cockpit and sais sorry girls the plane is going down and their is no parachutes and goes back to the cockpit to try to land the plane safely, so the German girl changes into her best dress and sais in case I die I would like to be buried in this dress, the Italian girl changes into a bathing suit and sais in case we land in water I can swim to shore, and then the Nigro girl comes back naked, and the other two girls ask “why are you naked?” and the nigro girl goes “I heard the first thing they look for when a plane goes down is the black box”
A baby seal walks into a club……
Bill and Daddy Bush are as thick as thieves; heck, politics is a game to get wealth and power.
We have two Democratic candidates in the primary running for governor and they’re both filthy rich and connected. So it goes. Or we could keep superrich and connected Turbinator.
They just play to different bases and then the bases fight eachother while the politicians play and wine and dine together and laugh at all of us.
I can’t imagine sticking up for any of them. They are despicable, disgusting, bloated bureaucrat who feed off of us like leeches and suck the last ounce of blood out of our lifeless bodies and wallets.
Third time this year that is.
You just can’t get enough, can you RBB.
Looks like I lost.
A group of Norwegians and Swedes got into an argument and drew up lines.
The argument got hotter and the angry Swedes finally lobbed some grenades into the Norwegian crowd.
The Norwegians picked them up, pulled the pins and lobbed them back.
Daniel: When I was at University, it was “He works it out with a slide rule.”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
That is my favorite joke of all time. Snertz.
Q: What does a math teacher do when he’s constipated?
A: He works it out with a pencil.
Q: What did one hamburger say to the other?
A: Nice buns.
Q: What kind of bees give milk?
A: Boo-bees!
i think you forgot the punchline.
I just want to know if he got the garter! and does he remember getting the garter?
you know, i’ve only ever seen a slide rule once. how exactly do they work?
hahahahaha
You should see me on the abacus!
You can always count on some immature dork to drink too much at the birthday party and puke on himself.
Oh, forgot about the redeye. Oooohhh, the pain!
Funny kinda makes me think back to the good old days of FICA FICO was all the rage.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slide_rule
You know how in the olden days they used more magic and less machinery? I think that’s how they worked.
I vote for hbdaylokoner, he’s got the best joke so far…
Rob I have a couple new gravatars for you:
One:
Two:
We had cigars at the bachelor party.
You guys really haven’t submitted a lot of jokes yet…
Hey! I do not ask for donations all that much!
Of course, if someone did want to hit the tip jar I wouldn’t be adverse to that…
1) I didn’t get the garter (I’m not even sure they threw it).
2) My speech went over well. Got some good laughs. Didn’t use any jokes from here though.
3) Yes, “bunny boy” is feeling a little woozy this morning.
I don’t know about a brisk walk through the neighborhood…
I’m going to have a big glass of water and then go back to bed.
Ugh. Cigars are the worst. They always seem like a good idea at the time, but the next day when you wake up with your tongue stuck to the top of your mouth you realize they weren’t.