SF Gate’s Morford: Hey, You Know What’s Really Evil? Cruise Ships. Yep. Cruise Ships

You know, whether you detest the writer and his myopic, shrieking, hair-on-fire liberal view of the world or not, you have to read an article that starts off like this:

The following examples hover out there like bacon-flavored puppies, like low-hanging fruit for very lazy bats, all waiting to be effortlessly prodded with the stick of wanton mockery, like so much intellectual road kill, like so many squished squirrels on the cracked highway of life. This much I happily acknowledge.

Sweet smokin’ Moses.
Do yourself a favor and read that again. See? After reading something like that, (and after asking yourself, “What the hell did he just say?”) you just have to read the rest of the article to find out where he’s going with a line of thought that involves everything from hovering, bacon smelling puppies (???) to squished squirrels. In this particular case his destination is to tell us that cruise ships, you see, are evil. Really, really evil. I’m not sure how poking fruit bats with a stick gets him there, but get him there it does:

I fully believe cruise ships are one of man’s most nefarious inventions, an extremely sad, low-vibrating form of evil, cleverly disguised as desirable luxury but which, if you spend more than a few hours wandering the decks by yourself, will subtly and calmly urge you to jump overboard and end it all. Which is exactly why they’re all based in Florida.
Hence, it was utterly impossible for me to stifle a bone-deep shudder when fresh images of the world’s largest cruise ship, the Oasis of the Seas, upwards of 225,000 gross tons and several times larger than the Titanic, recently lumbered across my jaded retina. This nefarious colossus is not merely terrifically ugly, not merely a bizarre testament to man’s voracious desire to build the absolutely silliest, most ginormous things he can possibly imagine, not merely greed and PR and unchecked capitalism run amok. Oh wait, that’s exactly what it is. And I’m not afraid to admit: It frightens me deeply.

I’m a fairly regular reader of Morford’s columns and it’s not because I’m a fan. Rather, it’s part comedy relief combined with a sort of intellectual masochism on my part. You never know what this far left whack-job will come up with next and wading through the fever swamp of his obtuse observations and his insults toward anyone that doesn’t make Code Pink look like Mormons can have its reward.
I present this column as proof of that. I have to say he’s outdone himself with this one. Yeesh.
Hovering, bacon-flavored puppies. Not bad, unless you want what you read to make some sort of sense. I wonder how much they pay this guy?