Say Anything Blog

Lore Sjoberg writing over at Wired:

You’ve heard of carbon offsets, right? The idea here is that you can keep your air conditioner running constantly from April through September, and your heater the rest of the year, and run a load of laundry just to wash a bow tie and a pair of Speedos, and you and your spouse can drive two separate SUVs two blocks to purchase a coal-powered water heater, and it’s all ecologically copacetic because you gave some money to some company that’s trying to save the world from people like you. Just a few thousand dollars can convert you from an atmosphere-despoiling narcissist to a fern-fondling flower child without you having to change your lifestyle in the least.

Clearly, there are no issues or problems with this system whatsoever, which is why I’m launching a number of corporations designed to help you improve every aspect of your life through the power of giving people money. With enough income, you can be the person you always wanted to be!

Ugly Offsets: Say, for the sake of argument, that you’re a grotesque clod with the sexual appeal of a dump truck’s undercarriage. I’m not saying you are, but I’m not saying you’re not, either. Sure, you could get a better haircut or undergo painful, unconvincing plastic surgery, but why not just buy ugly offsets?

Send us some cash and we’ll spend it on beauty college scholarships and research into moisturizing creams—after taking our cut, of course—thereby making you, economically speaking, so damn sexy. Just explain to the hotties at the bar that you’ve completely offset your ugliness and they’ll throw you into the sack with such speed and vigor that you won’t get your breath back until you’ve had three orgasms.

More hilarity at the link.

I think the “but I buy carbon offsets!” defense limousine liberals have thrown up to deflect criticism of their SUV-driving, private-jet flying ways have flopped.  People just aren’t buying it, and are beginning to mock the practice for the thinly-veiled hypocrisy it is.

And rightfully so.