Say Anything Blog

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Just two, the hard part’s gettin ‘em in!

Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot.

Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much

Q: How do you stop a baby from crawling down a manhole?

A: Stick a javelin through its head.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

The Alabama trooper was not happy when the car he’d been chasing for the past 15 minutes finally pulled over to the side of the road.

“Let me have your drivers license and proof of insurance, sir,” he growled.  “Do you know how fast you were going back there?  I’ve been chasing you for nearly 30 miles.  Didn’t you see the blue lights in your mirror?  Just what were you thinking?”

“Well, Officer, it’s like this.  About six weeks ago my wife ran off with an Alabama State Trooper, and when I saw you comin’ up behind me back there, I thought you might be him tryin’ to give her back.”

“Here’s your license and insurance card back, Sir.” The Trooper said shaking his head with a slow grin.  “Have a nice day.”

Law School Essay Question.

Your elderly client owes you $500  he pays you cash, in hundred dollar bills.

After he leaves you find that some of the bills were stuck together.  Because of that your client has overpayed you by $200.  

What’s the ethical dilemma?

Answer:  Do you tell your partner? 

Bat: reminds me of a the story my Sergent told me about how he ended up spending a night in a Georgia jail.

It seems he was driving across Georgia when he was stoped by a local cop on some country road. The officer came to the window and asked "Do you know how fast you were going?"

He replied, "Not as fast as Sherman when he marched to the sea."

An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone.

An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more.

This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.

Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don’t mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"

"Tis odd, isn’t it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."

The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink.

Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers.

The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.

The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know, the two beers and all..."

The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You’ll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It’s just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."

An Irish guy, a priest and a rabbi go into a bar, and the bartender says:

"What, is this some kind of joke?"

Apologies in advance to all the blondes out there: 

Q: How does a blonde turn on the light?

A: She opens the car door.

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde asks in the morning?

A: "What team do you guys play for?"

Q: What’s the first thing a blonde does in the morning?

A: She goes home.

Q: What does a blonde do when she wants to be taken more seriously?

A: She dyes her roots black. 

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you’re an engineer—you’re in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how’s it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake—he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I’ll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and sneers back, "Yeah, right!  And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Female Comebacks: Man: If I could see you naked I would die a happy man! Woman: If I could see you naked I would probably die laughing!… Man:Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? Woman: Yes and that is why I don’t go there anymore!… Man: Your place or mine? Woman: You go to yours and I’ll go to mine!

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So they decided to go see their physician to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and they left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, “Dear, will you please go into the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you don’t forget?”

“Nonsense,” said the husband, “ I can remember a dish of ice cream!”

“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you will forget.”

 “Don’t be silly,” replied the husband. “A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”

 “OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write this down. You’ll forget,” said the wife.

 “Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband. “No problem—a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”

With that the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.

He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s my toast?”

The elderly couple were in their rocking chairs, side by side, rocking slowly back and forth on the front porch of their somewhat dilaptidated home in the country.  Slowly the old man’s head turned toward his wife, and after looking at her for a moment the old man suddenly croaked out,

"F*** You!"  He then turned back around to face the setting sun.

His wife, unfazed by the outburst kept rocking.  After a few minutes of silence, the old woman turned to her husband and whispered softly,

"F*** You!"  Then she too, turned back forward.  Their rocking continued.

This crude exchange continued, back and forth, between the two old people for another half an hour, first one, then the other.  Finally, the old man turned to his wife and said,

"You know, I just don’t understand what it is these young folks see in this oral sex stuff." 

Every Wednesday afternoon Ole’s foreman would sneak out of the  building and take the afternoon off.

Ole thought that was terribly unfair as he had been there much longer (20 years) than the foreman.

So one week Ole told the guys that as soon as the foreman left he was going to take the afternoon off too.

So Wednesday afternoon about fifteen minutes after the foreman left Ole left too.

He drove himself home and entered by the front door.  He decided to be nice and quiet to surprise his wife.  He hung his coat up and put his hat on the shelf.

Slowly and quietly he walked up the stairs and down the hallway.

When he entered the bedroom he saw his wife and the foreman in bed together.  Yes they were unclothed and you know what.

So very quietly before he was noticed Ole backed out and went down the hallway.  He crept down the stairs, opened the closet, put on his hat and coat.  As he left by the front door he was very careful to be as quiet as possible.

He got in his car and drove back to work.  When he got there the other workers asked him why he was there when he was going to take the afternoon off.  

Ole replied, "This is the first time in 20 years I’ve taken an afternoon off and don’tyaknow I just about get caught." 

Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish, St. Brigid’s.  He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside, drew back the curtains, when he noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of the front lawn of the Rectory.

After thinking about the situation for a moment, he decided to call a good Irish Catholic official for some assistance.

"Good morning. This is Senator Kennedy.  How may I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself, Senator.  This is Father Francis O’Malley at St.Brigid’s, and I have a wee problem that I hoped you could help me with.  There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Senator Kennedy, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people of the Church are the one who took care of last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.  Then Father O’Malley replied lightly, "Aye, that’s certainly true, Senator, but if you’ll recall we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Once there was an explorer lost in the deepest part of the Amazon. After a few days, he finds himself suddenly surrounded by hundreds of bloodthirsty natives.

He looks up to the sky and says, "Oh my God, I’m screwed!!"

All of a sudden, the sky opens up, and then there is a beam of light streaming down on him, and a voice booms out, "No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your foot, and smash it onto the skull of the chief."

So the explorer looks down, and sees the stone. He picks it up, and bashes the life out of the chief, who is standing right in front of him. And he stands on the chief, triumphant, huffing and puffing, with the bloody stone in his hand.  And the chief is down on the ground, bleeding and lifeless, with his tribesmen in shock and disbelief. 

Now, the sky opens up once again, and the voice booms out… "NOW, you’re screwed."

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.” The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: “What are you a nut? There is no way in hell that could happen.” 1st Man: “No it’s true, let me prove it to you.” So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window, and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd man tells him: “You know I saw it with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” 1st Man: “No, I’ll prove it again” and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs, he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: “Well what the hell, it works, I’ll try it.” So he jumps over that balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors, and hits the sidewalk with a “splat.” Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: “You know, Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk.”

Little Davie

"Who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up.


The teacher said, "Do you think you’re stupid,

Little Davie?"



"No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all

by yourself!"

A lawyer awakened after a serious operation only to find himself in a room with all the blinds drawn.

“Why are all the blinds closed?” he asked the doctor. 

“Well,” the surgeon responded, “They’re fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn’t want you to wake up and think the operation had failed.”