Charles Manson’s Path To Freedom

A satirical memo from Manson’s counsel to him full of advice about how to win next time parole review comes around. Funny, and also kind of true:

1. Start Bashing Bush. This is chum in shark-infested waters. Like voting in Chicago, you should do this early and often. This action will immediately establish your credentials as a tough, nuanced, and sophisticated thinker. Ridicule his accent and emphasize how “stupid” he is. This will create an immediate groundswell of support and motivate the beard and sandals brigades on campuses and online at places like Moveon.Org or the DemocraticUnderground. Air America will want you on the air, assuming that their six listeners stay with them long enough to stave off bankruptcy.
2. Convert to Islam. People will immediately think of Cat Stevens because he converted to Islam, and you look like him. Who can support someone’s imprisonment when humming “Longer boats are coming to win us…”? Any believer loves a convert, and this step will inspire our friends at CAIR. We can probably easily convince them to start running stories about how it was the Mossad who pulled of the Tate-LaBianca killings back in the late sixties. And being a Muslim immediately qualifies you as a certified victim with a list of legitimate grievances. You are simply entitled to sympathy and an audience by this status. Being a member of an aggrieved minority has certainly helped the causes of Leonard Peltier and Mumia Abu-Jamal. It is true that they are still behind bars, but they murdered public servants and not mere celebrities, and their campaigns for the “Get Out of Jail Free” cards have not been as well thought-out as this one.
3.Announce Your Support for “Women’s Issues.” Repeat often how much you admire and how much you have learned from Katha Pollitt and the heiress, Katrina Van den Heuval. Cite The Nation as the deepest thing that you have ever read, other than Chomsky, of course. In very solemn tones mention that you much prefer peace to war, which you can then characterize as a “patriarchal construction.” Announce your support for oppressed women everywhere, but don’t get specific here. Never mention Juanita Broderick, Paula Jones, or Muslim women. If you must mention someone, stick to wealthy white women who are unhappy in a high profile way. I am sure the names of some celebrities will come to mind. Follow these steps and women who look in the mirror and see a “progressive” will immediately be on your side.
4. Lose The Swasika On Your Forehead. There are many talented plastic surgeons in Southern California. A nip here and tuck there, and like magic the swastika can be turned into a peace symbol. On television this is as good as any expensive sound-bite and this will be mesmerizing in the faculty lounges all over the country. They have clout with all the demi-educated who will be the backbone of this campaign.
5. Court Hollywood Celebrities. If you rigorously follow steps one through four, this tactic is relatively simple. Our strategy, if carried out properly, is boob-bait for the Hollywood bubbas. Nick Clooney, Mike Farrell, Babs Streisand, Sean Penn, Ed Asner et al. simply cannot resist this sort of thing.

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