Say Anything Blog

Seems to me like Abby's jumping the gun on this one a little bit.

UExpress - DEAR ABBY: When my 11-year-old daughter takes her bath, my husband sits on the toilet and eats his dinner in the bathroom with her. I find his behavior questionable and have asked him repeatedly to allow her some privacy. Nonetheless, he continues to "assist her" in bathing by adding bath oil to the water, etc. Neither my husband nor my daughter thinks anything is wrong with this behavior -- so what can I do?

He also strokes her backside to lull her to sleep at night, although she is now in sixth grade.

Please advise quickly before this gets out of hand. --UNEASY ABOUT MY DAUGHTER(S)

P.S. I have another daughter who is younger.

DEAR UNEASY: Your husband's behavior is inappropriate. Your daughter is old enough to bathe without supervision and should do so. You didn't mention how physically developed she is, but she will soon be a young woman. Your husband's method of "lulling" her to sleep is also too stimulating for both of them.

Discuss this with your daughter's pediatrician. Since your husband refuses to listen to you, he should hear it from an expert in child health and development. If he still refuses, the doctor can -- and should -- report his behavior to the proper authorities.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating child abuse here. If the guy in the letter is abusing his daughter he should be sent to prison. However, I'm not entirely convinced that what he's doing should be considered abuse.

First of all, the mother talks about the father's tendency to sit in with his daughter during bath time. Sure, it may seem a little odd on the surface, but maybe this guy is just close to his daughter. When a child is growing up its easy to develop a routine. Maybe the two are just used to the bath time routine and enjoy one another's company. Would we think it was odd if the girls mother were in the bathroom with her? Of course not. Why should the fact that its the father instead of the mother in the bathroom necessarily indicate any sort of sexual attraction?

As far as the stroking before bed, I'd really need more details before I'd give this woman any advice. "Backside" can mean more than one thing. If he's running his hand up and down her back before she goes to bed then I think that's rather sweet and completely innocent. If his hand is going below the belt line then that's in appropriate. Still, more details are needed.

But notice that Abby isn't asking for more details. She simply assumes the worse and encourages this woman to tell the child's doctor this same story. Now one would hope that the doctor has enough sense to get some more information about what's going on before making any rash decisions but there is a distinct possibility that the doctor could over-react to the mother's story and cause a lot of unnecessary damage to this family.

I think Abby's response in this situation was plain irresponsible. As a professional giver-of-advice (does she have a degree or anything?) Abby should know to get the whole story before issuing a decision on such a sensitive topic.